


When the darkness rises

by prinz_charlie



Category: Jagged Little Pill - Morissette & Ballard/Morissette/Cody
Genre: Depression, Gen, Hugs, Tears, bella really needed this, you're not aloneTM
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:15:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23354524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prinz_charlie/pseuds/prinz_charlie
Summary: Bella finally decides to talk to someone. But instead of Frankie MJ opens the door of the Healy's house.
Relationships: Bella Fox & Mary Jane "MJ" Healy
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	When the darkness rises

**Author's Note:**

> tw: depression

It was an afternoon just like any other. The weak February-sun shimmered over the town, weakly trying to warm the cold souls. Cold souls. That’s what Bella felt like. Like a cold, lost soul. It had been nearly three months and still, nothing had changed. Bella felt more alone than ever, in fact. Felt, like no one in the world, would ever care for her and what happened to her. The trial had ended already, Andrew had gotten away with it. Bella didn’t remember the exact reason anymore, she had been too busy trying to keep herself together after the judge had declared the verdict.

Emptily she was sitting on the couch, her knees pulled close to her chest, as she mindlessly switched between channels, not paying attention to any of the programs trying to entertain her. Her mother tried to get her to talk to her, uncomfortably sitting on the couch next to her. Bella barely reacted. When she did, it was a simple nod or a shrug, maybe a hum. After an hour of trying her mother gave up, pretending that she still had work to do and using it as an excuse to disappear into her home office. Bored Bella turned off the TV. She had already done all her homework for the weekend. She could really just do whatever she wanted to do. But she didn’t want to do anything. Everything was the same, everything was lying behind a curtain that shut her off from the real world ever since the party. Nothing really mattered. She stood up and buried her hands in the pockets of her pants, her eyes searching the floor for invisible clues on how to feel better. Frankie had promised her that she’d have a sympathetic ear for her some time ago. At that time Bella had only nodded, not seeing any use in it since she wouldn’t talk about it anyway. But right now, she felt like she could really use Frankie’s advice.

She knocked on the door to her mother’s office, opening it just a hint. Her mother looked up from her laptop. “I’m going out to see a friend”, Bella said.

Her mother’s eyes grew wider, she smiled a little. “Oh, of course, sweetie. Do you want me to drive you? I can just finish this up later..."

“It’s ok”, Bella answered monotonously. “I’ll walk. Thanks though.” With that she turned around, grabbed her jacket in passing and put it on, pulling her headphones out of the pockets of her jeans and plugging them into her phone. Walking outside without headphones had become impossible for her. All the passing cars and noises from birds chirping didn’t numb her thoughts. And if there happened to be no thoughts to numb, she needed something to fill the void. She put on the same playlist she had been listening to for weeks now and let her gaze fall to the ground again, pocketing her phone. Maybe talking to Frankie would help. At least to make her feel anything again. Not feeling was horrible – this empty void of nothingness. No matter what she tried nothing helped. Either she felt nothing, or she felt panic. She was walking around in a shell. She was trapped inside her body, which forced her to do everything she had always done and acted as if nothing happened. Bella had given up the fight against it after some time. Now she just went with it.

The way to Frankie’s house felt shorter than it was. Bella didn’t really feel time passing anymore. Everything dissolved into a big, irrelevant picture.

Pressing the doorbell to the Healy’s house she stared down on her shoes. Under different circumstances, she would’ve probably started to search for differences between her shoes, be it stains or production faults but instead, she just stared at them. Just stared. The door opened and Bella looked up. MJ smiled at her, wiggling an eyebrow. “Bella, that’s surprising.”

“Uh, yeah”, Bella said, her gaze falling to the ground for a second before she looked up again. “Is Frankie here?”

MJ twisted her mouth a little. “I’m sorry, dear, she isn’t. She’s out on a meeting with her friends.”

“Of course, she is”, a voice in Bella’s head said. “You weren’t really counting on getting her help, were you?”

“Wasn’t”, Bella answered in her head, the voice humming contently. “Ok, uh, thanks anyway”, Bella turned to MJ again.

“Do you want me to tell her that you were here?”, MJ asked, smiling warmly at Bella.

“It’s ok”, Bella shook it off, her gaze dropping to the ground again.

MJ looked at her skeptically for a few seconds, before she opened the front door a little more. “Would you like to come in, Bella? I feel like you could use a cup of tea right now. I made brownies.”

Bella was already about to decline but then she looked up at MJ, who smiled at her so warmly and inviting, encouraging her to come in. And Bella didn’t know what it was, but she nodded. “Uh, sure, thanks, Ms. Healy.”

“No need to thank me”, MJ smiled, taking Bella’s coat as soon as she had taken it off and hanging it in a wardrobe. “Come on, we can go to the living room. What kind of tea would you like?”

“I don’t know, whatever you have”, Bella said, sitting down on the couch as MJ hurried off to the kitchen. Bella took in the Healy living room, the big TV, the couch she was currently sitting on, the dozens of pictures that were hanging on the walls. It was nothing like her home. Where she lived everything was perfect. No pictures, every piece of furniture custom-made from a carpenter, everything color coordinated. Except for her room. But here, at the Healy’s household, everything felt like her room. Warm and welcoming. Bella wondered whatever problems this family could possibly face, when MJ returned from the kitchen, holding two cups of seething hot tea and a plate of brownies. Bella immediately stood up to help MJ, but the blonde woman already put everything down on the coffee table and sat down next to her. “Thank you, Ms. Healy”, Bella said, reaching for a cup. It was seething hot, but Bella didn’t care. She just pulled the sleeves of her shirt over her hands and enclosed the cup, taking in its warmth. “So, uh, how are you?”, she asked.

“I’m ok”, MJ smiled a little sadly. “How are you, Bella? Are you ok?”

Bella swallowed hard, looking down at the cup of tea. “Uhm…”

“You can tell me the truth”, MJ encouraged her softly.

Bella looked up at MJ. “I don’t really know”, she admitted. “Uh, I mean… I don’t know.”

“I understand”, MJ said. “Do you want to talk about anything?”

God this was weird. Talking to the mother of a person she didn’t even know whether she could consider a friend or not. Was Frankie her friend? But somehow talking to MJ felt… ok. Not good, Bella didn’t know when the last time was that she had felt good, but maybe this was ok.

“I don’t know”, Bella said. “You have more important stuff to do than listen to my problems.”

“I don’t, actually”, MJ answered, reaching for the plate with brownies and offering one to Bella. Hesitantly Bella put down her cup of tea and took a brownie. She couldn’t remember the last time that she had eaten. She didn’t feel hungry and if she did, her throat felt constricted. After forcing down a slice of bread about a week ago and immediately feeling like throwing up afterward she had eaten as good as nothing. The brownie in her hand looked good. Emptiness grew in her stomach that concentrated inside herself. Bella looked up at MJ who was currently taking a bite from her brownie. It seemed so easy for her. She just took a bite and swallowed; it wasn’t hard. Maybe Bella could manage that too. Patiently MJ’s gaze rested on Bella.

“Uh, I think you know what happened at the party?”, Bella asked, her voice more silent than before. “Everything after that feels like a blur. He… Andrew got away and… I can’t even say how I feel about it because I don’t feel anything.” She kept looking at the brownie in her hand, a painful pit growing in her stomach.

“I understand”, MJ said silently. She put down her brownie and directed all her attention to Bella.

“I don’t think you do”, Bella murmured. “I don’t even do.” She put down the brownie on the plate again. She wouldn’t manage to eat it.

MJ cleared her throat a little. “Have you ever thought that maybe you’re not alone, Bella?”, she asked gently, lying an arm on the back of the sofa.

Bella looked at her and shook her head a little. “I haven’t really had a clear thought in a while”, she admitted. “I tried and it didn’t work. So, I stopped trying.”

“I know how you feel, Bella”, MJ said. “Do you want to know something about me?”

Bella swallowed and let her hands fall into her lap. The pit in her stomach screamed for food, now that it had sensed it. But her throat felt constricted again. “Sure”, she said weakly.

“When I was in college”, MJ started, “I went to parties as well. And I drank and played beer pong and did all the stuff you kids do now.” She closed her eyes for a moment, trying to gather herself. “And one time, at a party…” MJ’s voice was smaller than before, “the same thing that happened to you happened to me." MJ looked at Bella, whose eyes had widened. “And I felt guilty for so long, when it wasn’t even my fault. And I felt so alone.”

“Ms. Healy, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know…”, Bella started.

“No, it’s ok dear”, MJ interrupted her. She stroked up and down Bella’s arm in a comforting way. “My point is that you’re not alone, dear. And no matter what you may think: We all have a reason to be here. And even if you may not feel like it, it’s going to get better. What happened to you… and me… is horrible", small tears started glistening in Bella’s as well as in MJ’s eyes, “but it’s going to be ok one day.”

“When?”, Bella choked out weakly. “When will I feel anything again? Anything but pain?” She wrapped her arms around herself.

MJ shook her head sadly. “I don’t know, Bella. But what I know is that you’re not alone. And that there are people out there who know exactly how you're feeling and that there are people who can help you.”

Bella shook her head, closing her eyes. Tears rolled down her cheeks. “I just don’t want to feel the pain anymore. I want to feel normal again. Not constant nothingness. It makes me sick.”

“I know, dear, I know.” MJ reached for Bella’s shoulders, holding her so she was looking at her. “But you are not alone. I thought I was alone all the time, but I wasn’t. Don’t make my mistake, Bella. You’re not alone. Get someone to help you.” Bella blinked away the tears and looked up at MJ’s caring face. She smiled at her so sadly and so genuine at the same time. So caring. So knowing. Bella choked on a sob. “Do you need a hug?”, MJ asked gently. Bella choked on another sob, shaking her head, the shaking immediately turning into nodding. “Yes”, she cried silently and sunk into MJ’s arms. MJ closed them around her, comfortingly patting her back. “You’re not alone”, MJ said silently, her own eyes brimming with tears.

“God, I’m so sorry”, Bella apologized pulling back, pulling the sleeves of her shirt over her hands again and wiping away the tears from her cheeks. “I’m so sorry, Ms. Healy, I shouldn’t have…”

“It’s ok, Bella”, MJ smiled through tears. “I’m here for you.”

Bella swallowed hard. “Thank you”, she whispered, her eyes filling with tears once again. Her gaze wandered back to the coffee table and she reached for her tea. She took a sip, taking a shaky breath afterward.

“Do you want to try eating that brownie now?”, MJ questioned caringly.

Bella looked up at her flabbergasted. “You noticed…?”, she asked silently.

MJ only nodded. “You’re not alone, Bella.”

**Author's Note:**

> bella,, baby,, ilysm- tysm for reading everyone, it means a whole lot! i'll hopefully read you next time!
> 
> hmu on tumblr (@ haveuseenmylife) if you want to!


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